Misadventures In Medication
Continuing Tribulations Of A Middle Aged Man Battling Beerbelly, Baldness, BPD And Heart Failure
Looking into mirror I realise the only thing I am doing is depriving a village of their idiot…….
Still shaking as I type and this blog has taken roughly twice as long to write as normal because of a brain still trying to unscramble itself and begin the physiological process of detoxification from the regular nightly large cocktail of prescription medication .
Often wonder if it’s worth writing about my misadventures with medication….. Yet if even one person reads this and it makes them stop and think at that crucial moment before chugging down a fistful of medication or allows them to understand why a loved one has done something similar I think it is worth it.
What even remotely rational thought process can lead me to greedily gorge like a wild boar at 3 in the morning on Diazepam,Quitiepene, Vensir XL , and a healthy selection of non prescription meds? It is an important question not just for me but for society because of the growing issues surrounding prescription medication abuse.
The problem is a huge one. In the United States, drug overdoses are the leading cause of accidental deaths, eclipsing even car accidents. And the UK joins the United States in the grim statistic that overdose deaths from prescription opioids outnumber those from heroin and cocaine combined
So in what parallel universe is it understandable that a human being of reasonable intelligence can even briefly entertain the deeply selfish and potentially lethal notion of playing Russian roulette with an exotic cocktail of medications?
If it was someone new to mental health problems and the dark cul-de-sac world of medication overdosing the intention could be a desperate bid to end it all or a ‘public cry for help’ as Society so dismissively and mistakenly describes that might be one explanation. Yet I am nearly a decade down that line so neither of the above even enters my mind. And yet after a certain point can I hand on heart say I knew exactly how much I had taken?
The answer is obviously no, it will always be a worrying and potentially lethal bloody no.
When you are this far down the line, for me at least, it is all about escape. Even if only for 24 hours. An overwhelming need to just blot out all the struggles and pain for that 24 hours during which you gloriously feel nothing. Your brain is briefly and beautifully numb.
Obviously there is a price to pay. You are a shaking, nervous and guilty excuse for a human being usually for up to 48 hours at least once the medication cocktail has worn off.You are shaking mostly because of the physiological effects, you are nervous because your senses and emotions are coming back up to speed . Mostly though you feel guilty because you have piled on yet more needless worry and concern to the constantly decreasing number of people who actually genuinely care about you.
The disgusting levels of selfishness are staggering and by christ as you sit alone shaking in the aftermath you are painfully aware of that. You remember how such selfish and self destructive behaviour has destroyed so much of what was once your life.
In my case relationships, contact with three of my four children, a home and even a career which was more a way of life than just a job in the ambulance service…All utterly smashed and wantonly destroyed by exactly the same selfish stunt I have just pulled again.
All to get 24 hours escape and release from days spent in the most brutal sort of toe to toe fist throwing street fight with the Black Dog. To give yourself relief from the mental exhaustion. The sheer amounts of emotional and mental energy that is sapped from you when you have gone through what experts call ‘an acute’ episode is completely off the scale in any normal sense of the word. You have to understand that. No I mean you truly have to understand that level of mental exhaustion and desperation when discussing abusing prescription medication.
For myself I have that BPD led constant negative inner narrative scrolling like an auto cue machine through my mind.It tells you with great authority you are lazy, useless, weak, a waste of space ,not worth five minutes of anyone’s time…..and so it goes on.
A pathetic attempt at a brief escape from all of the above is what it boils down to. Doesn’t reflect too well on me but it is the brutal truth behind my motives .
Obviously if you or a loved one has taken an overdose on any scale medical attention should be sought out straight away.