Coping With Valentines When You Have Emotional Abilities of A 10 Year Old Thanks To BPD
‘No matter how insightful verging on the intelligent my writing may seem to the reader inside I am a 10 year old desperately trying to make sense of the wildly complicated emotional world of grown ups.’
Yes I know the whole Valentines claptrap is an emotionally shallow nonsense foisted on society by advertising agencies so we can bulk buy Roses/flowers of your choice, spend spend spend on overpriced cards and other trumphery.
Topped off with going out to a usually decent restaurant ruined by it being rammed to the gills or for the married couples an M&S Dine in for two special.
Intellectually I know all of the above but in DBT training jargon the cold reasoning part of the brain never stands a chance when the hot emotional half of the brain gets fired up. I have talked about the BPD Theories which explain why a person with BPD generally only has the emotional capabilities of a child, usually at the age their childhood trauma was suffered.
In short that means my ability to deal with strong emotions kinda stalled at the age of 10. No matter how insightful verging on the intelligent my writing may seem to the reader inside I am a 10 year old desperately trying to make sense of the wildly complicated emotional world of grown ups.
Valentines is a perfect example because I have lived with at least 5 women and shared Valentines with a number somewhere in double digits. Each and every single one professed undying, world turning on it’s axis love for me…hard to believe I know.
As I sit here still in a dressing gown in the afternoon with my legs elevated to reduce fluid build up because of the heart failure on my own that 10 year olds’s emotional understanding and capabilities is struggling to compute how non of the ex partners mentioned who told me I would be in their lives forever don’t seem to give the slightest f### that I am mainly housebound with a chronic heart failure prognosis on the optimistic side of a year and a half before I switch off.
Now please don’t misunderstand me, the cold rational side of my brain realises this is perfectly understandable adult behaviour as the healthy and convenient thing for humans to do is move on and leave the past where it firmly belongs disappearing in the metaphorical wing mirror of life.
You try explaining that to a 10 year old, in an emotional sense….speaking as that 10 year old all I see is a bunch of people who I thought loved and cared for me not even vaguely bothered that I am now a bloated, housebound grossly prematurely dying minor tragedy.
#bloggingformentalhealth2019
willlunnwriter 